An Introvert’s Guide to Parenting

Hi, my name is Tamara and I’m an introvert. One of the many, many things that I didn’t know about parenting when I was newly wedded and dreaming of babies is that your entire social sphere is altered irreparably by the appearance of a mini-you.

When you become a parent:

Strangers Will Feel Urged to Talk to You. It’s like some invisible door has been opened and people feel comfortable stepping on through to chat. If you are outside of the house and are toting a kid (or two), people feel some sort of common bond with you. Which means they will strike up a conversation. Anywhere you go. You’re standing in the grocery store staring at the wall of spaghetti sauces and trying to decide which one you want while simultaneously remembering something stupid you said 15 years ago and (on the other side of your brain) trying to debunk Sartre’s Existentialist Philosophy. A stranger will roll on up into your peripheral vision and smile and make some benign comment about your kids. Or about children in general. Or (my favorite) ask you a stupid question. Like, “Oh my God, they are so cute! Are they twins?” when, really, your kids are different genders and 2 years apart in age.

This stranger-speaking phenomenon will begin the moment you are obviously pregnant. During your pregnancy, the stranger speaking to you may also touch you. You will, most assuredly, hear at least one terrifying birth/parenting story that will haunt you for the next three months.

Kids will invite your kids to birthday parties. Hello personal nightmare. No matter the venue, it’s loud, it’s crowded, it’s overwhelmingly visually stimulating and you will need to try to keep track of where your child is at all moments while mingling with complete strangers. These parties can last for hours. And you can’t leave whenever you want because a) they haven’t sung Happy Birthday yet, b) you don’t want to offend the parents of your kid’s friend or c) you’re parked in and would have to ask 5+ strangers to move their cars. Did I mention that it’s loud? And crowded?

You have to go places you would never had visited before. There are baby clothes stores, baby furniture stores, photography studios, school functions, school field trips, your neighbors’ houses, ER visits, pediatricians, pediatric eye doctors, any number of specialists if your pediatrician thinks something is wrong with your child’s development. You will visit water parks, amusement parks, local parks and playgrounds packed with other parents who will want to chat because they haven’t spoken to another adult all day long. You will, at least once, set foot in a kid-centric restaurant/playland for birthday parties. See above.

Eventually, your kids will want to leave the house. This will bother you since you can’t think of anything more fun than hanging out at home. In elastic waistband pants. Your kids, on the other hand, will be able to think of numerous places outside of the house and yard that they would like you to take them. See above.

You will dread drop-off/pick-up and/or the wait at the bus stop. The drive-by drop-off is always preferred by the introvert, but sometimes that’s not an option. You will be mingling with the other parents while you drop off and pick up. You will have to stand at the bus stop with a group of other parents from your neighborhood and make *shudder* small talk. (This introvert will say that once you get to know the parents, this won’t bother you anymore. You will look forward to chatting with the one or two parents that you know.)

You will have to do all these things without letting your kids know they bother you, because you don’t want to inadvertently teach them to be uncomfortable in the same circumstances.

Can my other introverted parents out there think of anything I missed?

My Real Day

I keep re-reading my blog post about my imaginary day. It just sounds so lovely and relaxing. Then I thought, maybe I should show my wonderful followers what a real day looks like for me.

6 a.m. The alarm goes off, jarring me awake.. But I have discovered that my sound machine/alarm clock has a wind chime tone. I awake to wind chimes chiming, as I slap at the clock to make it STOP. Then I roll over and pull the covers over my head while mumbling unintelligibly about the unnaturalness of waking up when it’s still dark.

6:30 a.m. I get up and pour big bowls of Fruity Pebbles for everyone. What? It has the word fruit in it.

7:50 a.m. I drop Caylie at school and drive north for a 9 a.m. appointment. On the way, Chase and stop at a store and buy dental floss to kill some time and keep our gums healthy.

9 a.m. My Physical Therapist guides me through a series of movements so she can evaluate my pelvic movement, gait, and muscle alignment. I’m totally jacked up on my entire left side. She then guides me through a session of stretches to open up my rib cage and stretch the muscle that attaches my pelvis to my ribs. Easy schmeezy.

10:30 a.m. Muscles I didn’t realize I had in my back are starting to ache.

11 a.m. I make lunch for Chase and myself. Then I talk on the phone while I throw dinner in the crockpot. Eventually, I remember that I have a lunch waiting for me to eat it.

12 p.m. Chase and I dance around the living room doing ninja moves. We pretend we’re Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and are obnoxiously loud with our kiai as we make our pretend hits. My neighbors were surely eating themselves up with jealousy at our boisterousness.

12:30 p.m. I throw in a load of laundry. I finish the erotic vampire urban fantasy romance novel that I started yesterday. Then I grab my Kindle and cruise Facebook and check my emails in a semi-quiet house. (I replaced the batteries in Chase’s Imaginext T-Rex. It provided hours of me-time).

1:30 p.m. I put in a second load of laundry. I fold my first load of laundry. Then I start cleaning my house. I’ve been so lazy about cleaning lately that this proves to be a daunting task. Chase provides running commentary on how well things are looking while I put away toys.

2:50 p.m. We walk to the bus stop and wait for Caylie. The balmy 47 degree day in Maine makes my newfound back muscles feel like they will shatter with any sudden movements.

3:15 p.m. I break up a fight over the newly noisy T-Rex and wish that I had a nanny.

3:30 p.m. I put on a movie for the kids and write a blog.

4 p.m. I’m off to fold my second load of laundry while my crockpot cooks a pot roast.

Bet you’re wondering what will happen next! So exciting! I’ll give you a preview of what’s to come: We’ll eat, clean up, nag my daughter to get ready for bed, brush teeth, sing lullabies, yell at the kid who keeps coming out of her room while we’re trying to watch a horror movie and I’ll be asleep by 9:30 p.m. Riveting, isn’t it?

A Day in my Imaginary Life

My friend Mary over at Contrary Mom is currently participating in “A Day in the Life of…” project. I’m finding it fascinating to see what other people are doing with their days. I thought about doing this, but my life is really boring and I’d fall asleep just blogging about the details. So instead, I’m going to blog about what I would like to be doing on a typical day. (We’ll assume, for this imaginary day, that funds are unlimited. Wouldn’t that be nice?)

9 a.m. I am gently brought to consciousness by the soft chime of a tibetan singing bowl.

9:15 a.m. I eat breakfast in bed. I’d like the raspberry coconut pancakes they serve at my favorite breakfast place in Monterey, CA. (First Awakenings; you need to eat there. You do.) I get to eat gluten without consequence in my imagination!

9:45 a.m. My personal yoga instructor guides me through a session that awakens and energizes me for the rest of the day.

11 a.m. I make notes on an idea for my next best-selling novel while I soak my feet and get a head, neck and scalp massage at Soakology. And I think I’ll try their Apple Pie Chai while I’m relaxing too.

12:30 p.m. My girlfriends and I meet up for lunch, eat some amazing food that I don’t have to cook and laugh so obnoxiously loud in our joi de vivre that other people glare at us in jealousy. Because we are enjoying ourselves that much. Truly.

2 p.m. I sit down and work on my novel in a quiet house.

4 p.m. I pick the kids up from the nanny and consult with our personal chef about what we’d like for dinner tonight.

4:30 p.m. I spend quality time with my family.

6 p.m. We eat our gourmet dinner and share about our day. No one interrupts anyone else or tries to talk over them. There is no yelling and the kids eat all their vegetables without complaint.

7 p.m. The live-in nanny bathes the kids and makes sure they’re ready for bed.

7:30 p.m. I sing lullabies and tuck in my kiddos. They fall asleep immediately and NEVER wake me up in the middle of the night.

8 p.m. Mike and I go and have some “alone time.” For 2 hours.

10 p.m. I’m so exhausted from all that alone time, that all I can do is lay in bed and read.

11 p.m. I fall asleep to the cracking sound of the fireplace and the summer nights track on my sound machine.

Kountdown to Kindergarten

I’ve spent the last 2 days looking at everyone’s back to school pictures. And I just have to say… I’m still waiting for Kindergarten to start in my town! My 3 year old started nursery school yesterday, but I have to wait until Monday for my Kindergartener to head off to school. Five days and counting….

In the meantime, I guess I should be reading the 6 page handout that the school gave me in March to help me prepare my child for Kindergarten. Considering that it took them 6 pages to tell me what I’m supposed to do to get her ready for Kindergarten (where all I did was play and sing and learn my letters) I’m guessing I won’t really have time now for all this preparation. In fact, I think they should have given me these instructions to read while I was pushing my child into this world. Good way to spend an hour and a half of my time.

Let’s see. In the last 6 months, I was supposed to do these things to prepare my daughter for Kindergarten:

Build a Love of Learning. Okay, I think I can do that. Kids ask enough questions that I should never run out of topics. Because kids always listen to their parents when they’re talking. Yeah.

Teach Your Child Independence. Works for me! There’s nothing better than a kid who can dress herself, feed herself and wipe her own butt! Once she can use the stove, I think my job in the house will be over.

Build Motor Skills. Um. Okay. I’ve got some canned goods we can do some strength training with. I mean, I can’t possibly rely on my child’s own brain to help her develop these basic skills.

Develop Language Skills. Been there, done that. I think the guy that almost side swiped me when I pulled over for an ambulance the other day was very helpful in building my kids’ language skills. I think I used every swear word in my very vast college English major vocabulary while I honked my horn and shook my fist out the window. They may have learned some sign language too.

Explore Other Cultures. Already done! We just took a trip to Walmart yesterday! My kids are going to be so advanced.

Nurture Your Child’s Physical Well-being. I think I’ve done this since the cops haven’t come to take my kids away. Oh, and we’re gluten free. I mean, that should bring me halfway up the Mother of the Year Award scale all on its own.

Teach Your Child Self-discipline. Baahahahahahaha!!! Do you know that one of the tips was to “avoid tantrums?” I mean, if I knew how to do that I wouldn’t have been mired down in depression for the last month. Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher, this one’s all on you.

Teach Your Child To Get Along With Others. This one is tricky. I haven’t figured out how to do this one yet. Guess that one goes to the teacher to work on. Maybe I should sit in so she can teach me too.

15 Book Related Confessions

With the heat and the tedium of summer at home with kids I haven’t been feeling very inspired to write. So when I saw this challenge on my friend Stribling’s blog, I thought, I am so going to do this blog challenge. If I’m feeling particularly inspired to write about something else, I’ll blog about that instead and Mondays will be my Whole 30 Challenge updates for the next 4+ weeks so I won’t be a one-trick pony boring you to death. I hope! Book Blogger Challenge, here we go!

Day One: 15 Book Related Confessions

1. I used to be a book snob. I loved reading literary fiction and the classics, but the plots were getting too emotional for me. I’ve got enough reality in my life; I don’t need to read about it too!
2. I prefer reading series because its comforting reading a book with a bunch of characters you feel you know personally.
3. I’m a romance junkie. I love my Sci Fi and Fantasy, but if there’s a love angle built in there, I will love it even more.
4. Sometimes I get so attached to fictional characters that I go through withdrawal once I finish a series.
5. I’ve re-read some of my favorite series maybe 5 or 6 times.
6. I dream about books.
7. I think I’ve learned more history and historical terms from the Historical Romances I’ve read than I ever did from a textbook.
8. Damaging a book is sacrilege. Don’t you dare dog-ear a page in front of me!
9. I’m a book sniffer. I like the smell of newly printed books and I’m not ashamed to take a whiff when I’m in a book store. The hardcover books printed on semi-gloss paper smell the best.
10. I can read a book a day sometimes. Depending on the book and on the day.
11. I can’t afford to buy the number of books I read in a year, so I’m practically a resident at my local library. Not only do they know me by name, I’ve had them reserve books for me when new ones come in that they think I’ll like. I have my library card number memorized.
12. I want my kids to love reading as much as I do. I signed them up for the Children’s Library Summer Reading Challenge 3 weeks ago. They each pledged to read 50 books this summer. We’ve already read 30 (and that’s only counting library books).
13. After 8 years of marriage to me, my husband has become an avid reader. I love it! We are currently reading the same series and I feel like we have our own mini book club discussions once the kids go to bed.
14. When e-readers first came out, I was horrified. I went to college to work in the book publishing industry and the thought of electronic books was blasphemous! Then a friend bought me one for my birthday and I had to admit, they’re nice. And I can have 100 books on my Kindle that don’t take up any space in my house.
15. I hate when people ask me my favorite book because I can’t choose just one. I feel like each good book is a piece of art. There have been many books I’ve read in my life that have blown my mind, so I can’t choose between them. I just can’t.

Do you have any book confessions to make? What’s the best book you’ve read this year, and what made you love it?

7 Reasons I Could Survive a Horror Movie

My husband has a thing for horror movies. I don’t. But love will make you do weird things. Like watch Killer Clowns From Outer Space. (Although, not even love could get me to watch it a second time. Which he’s tried.) Over the last week, I have caved twice to the “do you want to watch a scary movie?” question. So we watched House At The End of the Street (Which I didn’t get the title of because it was about the house next door. And that’s a different movie altogether.) and 6 Souls. They were pretty good. Nothing that would wow my husband per se, but enough to freak me out just a little. There is something freaky about people who are both violent and aren’t in their right minds. Not as freaky as creepy little kids in horror movies, but still freaky.

These movies got me to thinking though. I could survive a horror movie plot.

Here’s how I came to that conclusion:

1. I can’t scream and run at the same time. Running and screaming seem to go together like peas and carrots in horror movies. It only makes sense, therefore, that since I can’t do this, I will survive. Without making more noise than the huff-huff of my breath, I might be able to successfully run away from whatever scary person/thing that is chasing me. If he/she/it is slow.

2. I have an irrational fear of basements. I refuse to go down into one. I don’t care if the basement is the only part of the house that seems remotely safe; I will not descend into that creepy mildewed chamber. This will save my life one day. I know it.

3. Hiding somewhere for more than 2 minutes fills me with the irresistible urge to pee. This would prompt me to go on the offensive, taking out the threat, so I could peaceably relieve my bladder.

4. Camping in the dark, dark woods does not turn me on. You will never catch me bare-assed and frolicking anywhere outside in the dark. Especially when people are mysteriously disappearing from their cabins/tents/RVs, etc. This too will save my life.

5. I don’t collect dolls. No freaky porcelain-headed glassy-eyed creep shows for me, thanks. Also, no ventriloquist dolls, puppets, or killer clown dolls to pull me under my bed.

6. I have never felt the urge to take a midnight stroll through a cemetery. Even if I felt the need to go walking in the dark, nothing could possibly tempt me to pass through the wrought iron gates of a cemetery.

7. In a homage to Stephen King, I will never: bury a dead animal in a cursed cemetery, go swimming in a lake with a mysterious oil slick, touch a green-glowing meteorite, follow a clown with a british accent down a sewer, house-sit an empty haunted hotel in Colorado, or hang out in a town full of creepy kids who worship corn. (The name Malachi still gives me the creeps.)

What horror movie freaked you out the most?

10 Things I Wish For My Kids

I wish:

1. That you find self-acceptance at an early age. My babies, loving yourself for who you are is a beautiful, beautiful thing. The earlier you can do this, the better your life will be.

2. That you experience real love in your lives. Being loved, really loved, by someone else is such a treasure. Don’t settle for second best. Don’t rest until you feel this big, crazy, amazingly powerful love that fills you so full that you could burst apart at any moment. It’s worth the wait.

3. That you don’t let others’ opinions change your outlook on life or on yourselves. There’s a Dr. Seuss quote that sums this up quite nicely. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” It’s true. The people who love you will love you no matter what you choose to do with your life. They may not like it, but they’ll still love you.

4. That you follow your hearts. Don’t do something because you think you should or because everyone else is doing it. Do the things that you love. Live without regrets.

5. That you have fun. Life will always be filled with seriousness and responsibilities. Have fun anyway. All work and no play makes for a sad, boring and lonely life. Your kind of fun may be different than others. Don’t worry about that. Find what works for you and never stop doing it! (Unless it’s drugs or alcohol. In that case, your mama says, that stuff is artificial fun and will make you miserable in the long run. Listen to your mama!)

6. That you never stop dreaming. There is nothing wrong with being a dreamer. It means you have ideas, passions, goals and most importantly, hope.

7. That you never give up when you want something. The things that are the hardest to attain are almost always the most valuable. Don’t give up when something you want seems unattainable. Work hard and know that when you finally succeed, the elation and pride you’ll feel is incredible!

8. That you always stand up for yourselves. I don’t care what’s PC. Some kid knocks you down, you get up and knock him right back. Don’t take shit from people.

9. That you don’t let anyone hold you back. Not everyone will be supportive of your choices. Don’t let that stop you! The person who is holding you back may be doing so out of jealousy, fear or worry – it doesn’t make a difference. It’s their hang up, not yours.

10. That you live healthy lives filled with laughter and love. Take care of your bodies. Take care of your minds and hearts and souls. Laugh often, love unconditionally without the fear of being hurt. If you can do that, you will live happy lives. And that’s every mother’s greatest wish for her children.

(Note: I would always wish for you to have confidence, but you both already have it in spades. This morning, Caylie, when I asked if you wanted to wear a sparkly headband you said, “Mommy, I don’t want to be too pretty.” And Chase, when I asked you yesterday if your first day of camp was fun you said, “Of course it was fun. I was there!” Yeah, I think you’ve got the confidence thing covered.)

100 +3 Things About Me

I love lists! Others may not, but I’m following some guidelines here. One of them says you should have a list of 100 things about yourself. Really? Do people really want to know 100 random things about me? I guess so. Since you want to know me so badly, I wrote 103 things. So there.

1. I don’t like to be told what to do.
2. I like folk music.
3. I also like mainstream pop music no matter how hard my “music” friends try to get me to listen to cool stuff.
4. I had to switch to listening to a Christian Rock radio station because my daughter started making up songs about taking her clothes off.
5. I’m addicted to Cape Cod Sweet and Spicy Jalapeño chips.
6. I have 2 tattoos.
7. I want another one. A BIG one on my upper arm.
8. I don’t think I have the courage to get a big tattoo where people can see it.
9. My favorite color is green.
10. I want to learn to sew.
11. I got married in Arizona, even though I’ve never lived there.
12. I’ve lived in MD, PA, RI, MI, OH, ME, NY, IL (for 10+ weeks), CA and CO.
13. The 10+ weeks in IL were when I was in boot camp.
14. I was in the Navy.
15. I got out of the Navy earlier than my initial commitment.
16. Not fulfilling my Naval contract is one of the only things I truly regret in my life.
17. I love to sing really really loud in my car.
18. I grew up always having a cat for a pet.
19. My husband hates cats so I may never have another.
20. My parents named me Tamara so that they could call me Tammy.
21. I chose the pronunciation of my first name when I was 2.
22. It’s pronounced Tam-ah-rah.
23. I hate it when people call me Tam-air-ah.
24. I studied Russian in an immersion program in the Navy.
25. My Russian name was Tam-R-ah (without the hyphens. Or the “h”).
26. I don’t always notice when people call me Tam-R-ah since that’s all anyone called me for almost 2 years.
27. I went by the name Tammy until I was 21 and I met another girl named Tammy who I didn’t want to be confused with.
28. I’ve been using my full name ever since.
29. You can tell how long a person has known me by what name they call me by.
30. My eyes look blue in pictures, but they are really a blue-green hazel color.
31. I say my eyes are blue on my driver’s license. Or any other form that asks my eye color.
32. My husband’s eyes are brown, so I thought I would have brown eyed brunettes when I had kids.
33. I didn’t. I had one blue eyed blonde and one hazel eyed brunette.
34. I grew up always wanting 2 kids.
35. Then when I was about 24, I decided I was too selfish for kids.
36. I watched my friend give birth when I was 26 and decided maybe I did want kids after all.
37. I had my first baby at the age of 32.
38. I had my second baby at the age of 34.
39. After my second baby, I wanted more kids. Maybe 2 more.
40. I tried for almost 2 years to have my third baby.
41. I had 4 miscarriages in a row.
42. After that I decided that I was going to stop trying.
43. After being checked by a fertility specialist to make sure I didn’t have any underlying health problems (I didn’t) he told me his theory was that my eggs were deteriorating.
44. I’m 37 and my eggs are bad.
45. This makes me simultaneously defensive (of my poor eggs) and sad (my poor eggs!).
46. I met my husband in my Russian class when I was in the Navy. (He was Army.)
47. No one in our class of 40 knew we were dating for almost 2 months.
48. I dated my husband for 6 months before he asked me to marry him.
49. We got married 5 months later.
50. I have been married for 8 years.
51. My husband, Mike, is my best friend.
52. He is also still smoking hot and has the best butt I’ve seen yet.
53. I used to work as a graphic designer.
54. I drove the people I worked with crazy by making them play 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon with me while we designed ads.
55. I get bored pretty easily.
56. I’m a natural strawberry blonde.
57. I’m 5’9″ and wish I were about 5’5″.
58. I hope my daughter doesn’t grow to be as tall as me.
59. My first job was having a paper route when I was 12.
60. Then I bussed tables at a Country Buffet Restaurant when I was 16.
61. Then worked at Wendy’s, Arby’s and a movie theater’s concession stand. In that order.
62. I went to Hofstra University.
63. I am still in touch with a lot of the friends I made in college.
64. I met most of them my freshman year.
65. I truly love my friends and would do anything for them.
66. I studied Publishing so I could become a Book Editor and read books all day for a living.
67. I discovered its a lot harder than that and it’s kind of boring.
68. Instead, I went into the Publishing Industry working in Print Production.
69. I interned at US Weekly when they were still just US Magazine.
70. It wasn’t very cool.
71. It taught me how to fix copy machines.
72. One of my favorite books growing up was A Wrinkle In Time.
73. I read so much now that I don’t know if I could pick a favorite book.
74. I mostly read Science Fiction and Fantasy Young Adult Fiction. And Romance. Occasionally, I’ll throw a classic or serious literary fiction into the mix.
75. I’m writing a novel – YA Fiction. I’m planning a trilogy.
76. I daydream about becoming the next Stephenie Meyer (There are no vampires in my books, btw).
77. I’ve already Pinned pictures of the house I’m going to build when I’m a zillionaire.
78. I’m addicted to Pinterest.
79. I tried to teach myself how to play the acoustic guitar, but it took too long for my fingers to callus and I got bored with it.
80. I played the flute for 6 years.
81. I downloaded Peter, Paul and Mary’s Greatest Hits to burn a copy for my mom for Christmas, but I really did it so I could listen to it. (Shhhh… don’t tell anyone!)
82. My favorite Billy Joel song is in french and I still don’t know what the hell he’s saying.
83. I used to play the song over and over again on my mom’s record player when I was a tween.
84. Yes, I remember record players. And Eight Tracks.
85. I cry very easily.
86. I hate trying on clothes because I’m not a fan of my body.
87. I’m overweight.
88. If I had a wish from a genie, it would be to make me love to exercise and eat vegetables.
89. I don’t like to exercise or eat vegetables.
90. I hate sweating or being too hot.
91. I force myself to eat vegetables.
92. I’m gifted with the ability of spatial recognition. So if I’m at a store and I’m looking for a piece of furniture, I can eyeball it and know whether it will fit in the space I want to put it in.
93. I like puzzles.
94. I suffer from depression and anxiety.
95. Sometimes my anxiety makes me uncomfortable leaving my house.
96. I love Xanax.
97. I need alone time to recharge.
98. My favorite season is autumn.
99. I always sleep best when its raining.
100. I hate big government.
101. I can easily pass up desserts like donuts, cake, brownies or ice cream, but chocolate candy? Never!
102. I bite and pick at my nails. (It drives my husband crazy.)
103. I’ve written 103 things about myself, but still feel like you couldn’t possibly know me just from reading this.

Apocalypse with Children?

My latest obsession is reading post-apocalyptic fiction. You would think, with all the books I’ve read on the subject, that I would be an expert on how to survive the apocalypse. I’ve realized that I’m sadly lacking in preparedness for this event. And surviving with kids? I need to get my butt in gear. This one’s a toughie!

1. I need emergency rations. Whether it is from a plague, environmental collapse, a cataclysmic event from space/nuclear weapons, a zombie outbreak or alien invasion, the one thing I’m sure of is that everyone needs to eat. And I’m not talking about the zombies here. We need a stockpile of non-perishable food. And fresh water. Since the water that comes out of my tap is practically Poland Springs (Maine is awesome) I’ll need to start bottling it. I wonder if my kids will eat MREs? Since my kids complain about everything else I make that is not a chicken nugget, I’m sure meal times will be just as pleasant after the world has ended. Remind me to ask for a food dehydrator for Christmas.

2. Can someone teach me how to hunt and field dress small animals? Hunting for fresh meat seems to be a big trend in post-apocalyptic plots. So I need to start Googling how to make snares to catch small game. I figure we can probably survive for a year on the fat squirrels in my yard alone. The kids can collect the acorns to bait the snares. I’ll tell them the acorns are for the fairies’ inventions. It’s how I got them to pick up the acorns last fall. It should work again, right?

3. I need an underground shelter. Every time I watch an episode of The Walking Dead, I think, “If only they had an underground bunker! The walkers would never get them in there.” (No one better say anything here about WD Season 3! If you spoil it for me before I watch the entire season when it comes out on DVD, I will find you. I will.) I read on grist.org that some developer is building and selling underground luxury condos in case of a doomsday event. Maybe when I’m a zillionaire, I’ll get one of those. Until then, I think I’ll break out the kids’ beach shovels and the kids and I will start digging in the backyard.

4. I need to be able to make useful items out of junk. This sounds like a craft project to me! Maybe the kids and I should head over to the dump and see what kind of life-saving useful inventions we can create with people’s old appliances. I’ll have to see what ideas I can find on Pinterest. DIY Doomsday Crafts? I’m making a new board now!

5. I need a weapon. How else can I properly protect my littles from hostile invaders? Personally, I think I’ll do a Daryl and shoot a crossbow. No bullets to run out of and I’m sure that after the kids and I turn an old oven into a communications device that making some extra arrows will be a walk in the park! Or, in keeping with my daughter’s latest defense, I could just strew a bunch of Barbie shoes and crowns all over the ground to incapacitate any would-be personal space invaders.

6. I need to study botany/emergency medicine/canning. What plants can we eat? How do I keep zombie bites from getting infected? And how the hell can I save these fresh berries for the winter season?

7. I need to start running again. I’ve always said, I only run when chased. Well, if I have to outrun a zombie hoard intent on consuming my plump, plump flesh… I’ll be zombie chow. Guess I need to start training. Mike runs all the time, so he can strap our 50 pound 5 year-old to his back. I’ll take the 35 pound 3 year-old. Did I get rid of our jogging stroller? I tell Mike all the time, you never know when you might re-use something. He calls me a hoarder. I call me a realist.

Full Nest Syndrome

My husband and I were chatting it up last night about all the things we want to do when the kids move out. Since my kids are 5 and 3, I think we have a pretty long wait in store for us. And I secretly hope that my son never moves out. But don’t tell Mike that. I’m sure I’ll change my mind once the teenage years hit. Here’s what we came up with:

Go to the movies. This may sound dumb since there are inventions like the DVR out there, digital cable with a bizillion channels, satellite TV, streaming video and all that jazz. We’re not big TV watchers. We don’t have cable. We don’t own a DVR or have satellite TV. We have Netflix and even then, we only watch one 40 minute show maybe 3 or 4 times a week. There is just something about sitting in the movie theater, watching it on the big screen. I still try to convince Mike to make out with me in the back of the theater, but he gets embarrassed and tells me he’s too old for that. Whatevs, I’m 2 years older than him and I hope I never feel too old to make out! The new Star Trek movie came out this week and we live less than 5 minutes away from the second oldest (still operating) drive-in in the country. Hence, the desire to go to the movies. And while some may stuff their kids into the backseat and take them along, we don’t roll like that. My kids can’t handle a PG-13 movie. And the whole point is to go do something without them. Unfortunately, we don’t know any teenagers to call at the last minute to babysit. And we don’t have the extra money for it either. Do you know what babysitters charge these days?!

Travel (aka Take a Vacation). Traveling with young children sucks. It does. If you have traveled with your kids and you think it was easy and do it all the time, well, good for you. You’re either a liar, medicated beyond the point of caring or you have the best behaved kids in the whole world. No matter the reason, I hate you. My kids do not travel particularly well. They can’t stand to be still for very long. The longest trip we have taken since having our second child is a 7 hour car drive to visit my parents in PA. We make the trip once a year. Then we spend the next 11 months recovering. My husband is from San Diego and we haven’t been out there in 5 years. One, because its too expensive to buy 4 plane tickets, rent a car, get a hotel for a week, etc. and two, because the idea of being on a plane/in the airport for 8 to 10 hours with my wound-up kids gives me hives.

Browse. This one is mine. Last month, my friend Heather drove up from MA to hang out for a few days. I asked friends to babysit while Mike was at work and for the first time, I went out without my husband on a non-anniversary non-holiday to do something non-doctor appointment related – just for me. It felt weird. Heather and I spent the first whole day shopping. And browsing. I had forgotten what that was like since nowadays I only go to a store if I have a list of the things I need. And then proceed to purchase said things as quickly as possible before the whining and/or the “I’m bored” phrase rears its ugly head. I don’t just walk around a store and look at things anymore. It was so nice. I’m tempted to add some more o’es to the word so, but I’ll add some extra exclamation points instead!!!

Eat at nice restaurants. Cause let’s face it, you don’t take your kids to fancy places to eat out. You want to enjoy your meal. You want to enjoy the atmosphere. You want to have a nice conversation without being interrupted or having to pick a fork off the floor 100 times or dodging greasy little ketchupy hands that are sure to land directly on the front of your nice new blouse that you only wore because you’re eating somewhere that uses fabric napkins.

These things seem so simple as I re-read them. And I’m sure as my kids get older, we’ll be able to do these things as a family without me having to take a Xanax. But until then, I’m just going to look forward to it. And try to find some cheap babysitters.