My latest obsession is reading post-apocalyptic fiction. You would think, with all the books I’ve read on the subject, that I would be an expert on how to survive the apocalypse. I’ve realized that I’m sadly lacking in preparedness for this event. And surviving with kids? I need to get my butt in gear. This one’s a toughie!
1. I need emergency rations. Whether it is from a plague, environmental collapse, a cataclysmic event from space/nuclear weapons, a zombie outbreak or alien invasion, the one thing I’m sure of is that everyone needs to eat. And I’m not talking about the zombies here. We need a stockpile of non-perishable food. And fresh water. Since the water that comes out of my tap is practically Poland Springs (Maine is awesome) I’ll need to start bottling it. I wonder if my kids will eat MREs? Since my kids complain about everything else I make that is not a chicken nugget, I’m sure meal times will be just as pleasant after the world has ended. Remind me to ask for a food dehydrator for Christmas.
2. Can someone teach me how to hunt and field dress small animals? Hunting for fresh meat seems to be a big trend in post-apocalyptic plots. So I need to start Googling how to make snares to catch small game. I figure we can probably survive for a year on the fat squirrels in my yard alone. The kids can collect the acorns to bait the snares. I’ll tell them the acorns are for the fairies’ inventions. It’s how I got them to pick up the acorns last fall. It should work again, right?
3. I need an underground shelter. Every time I watch an episode of The Walking Dead, I think, “If only they had an underground bunker! The walkers would never get them in there.” (No one better say anything here about WD Season 3! If you spoil it for me before I watch the entire season when it comes out on DVD, I will find you. I will.) I read on grist.org that some developer is building and selling underground luxury condos in case of a doomsday event. Maybe when I’m a zillionaire, I’ll get one of those. Until then, I think I’ll break out the kids’ beach shovels and the kids and I will start digging in the backyard.
4. I need to be able to make useful items out of junk. This sounds like a craft project to me! Maybe the kids and I should head over to the dump and see what kind of life-saving useful inventions we can create with people’s old appliances. I’ll have to see what ideas I can find on Pinterest. DIY Doomsday Crafts? I’m making a new board now!
5. I need a weapon. How else can I properly protect my littles from hostile invaders? Personally, I think I’ll do a Daryl and shoot a crossbow. No bullets to run out of and I’m sure that after the kids and I turn an old oven into a communications device that making some extra arrows will be a walk in the park! Or, in keeping with my daughter’s latest defense, I could just strew a bunch of Barbie shoes and crowns all over the ground to incapacitate any would-be personal space invaders.
6. I need to study botany/emergency medicine/canning. What plants can we eat? How do I keep zombie bites from getting infected? And how the hell can I save these fresh berries for the winter season?
7. I need to start running again. I’ve always said, I only run when chased. Well, if I have to outrun a zombie hoard intent on consuming my plump, plump flesh… I’ll be zombie chow. Guess I need to start training. Mike runs all the time, so he can strap our 50 pound 5 year-old to his back. I’ll take the 35 pound 3 year-old. Did I get rid of our jogging stroller? I tell Mike all the time, you never know when you might re-use something. He calls me a hoarder. I call me a realist.