6 Years of Autumn

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2008

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2009

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2010

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2011

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2011

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2012

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2013

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2013

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The Sensitive Soul

Since everyone keeps asking me: Kindergarten is going well. There have been no more reports of bullying from my daughter and so I’m hoping we’re in the clear. Everything seems to be going smoothly.

I have noticed that I feel more connected to my daughter now that she is going to school. Sounds weird, but her behavior at home had been pushing me further and further away from that whole mother-daughter bond that I keep reading about. Frankly, I wasn’t feeling very bonded. Terrorized, yes. Bonded, not really. But now that Caylie is out there interacting with society (in as much as Kindergarten in a small local school is a society), I am feeling a sense of communion with her. I’ve never denied that the two of us share some major personality traits. And I’ve learned that if I were to ever meet a clone of myself, we would not get along. I can, however, relate to my daughter more now that she’s out there in the world.

ImageI am a sensitive soul. I cry easily. I take things personally when I oftentimes shouldn’t. My heart can feel like it’s breaking just from reading a poem, hearing a song or looking at a painting or photograph. I just feel deeply about anything and everything. And it’s wonderful, beautiful, exhausting and leaves me feeling vulnerable in a world that dissects a person’s every action and thought and puts it up on a big screen to analyze. Caylie inherited my sensitive soul and I feel for her as she takes her first steps out into a harsh world. I’ve been having flashbacks to when I was in school: like the time in English class when the teacher read Anne Sexton’s poem Double Image and I sobbed at my desk and couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t feel completely destroyed by the fact that Anne was forced to make moccasins and hated herself. I wonder which things are going to make Caylie sob at her desk or just bring tears to her eyes.

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It’s not easy being sensitive. I want to be able to teach her to protect her heart, but I’m almost 38 and I still haven’t learned how to completely protect myself from the things in our world that get to me. I still take things too personally. I still cry when I hear good songs and watch sad movies. (I didn’t even make it through the first stanza of Sexton’s poem before my throat closed up.) I can’t even think about the end of The Notebook without getting tears in my eyes. I hope Caylie talks to me about the things that are breaking her heart, the things that get to her most deeply. The beautiful things and the ugly things.

We can cry about them together.

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A Thousand Words for Love

I think husbands and fathers don’t get enough credit sometimes. Oh, I hear a ton of stories from women’s mouths about all the things their husbands aren’t doing right or just aren’t doing. (Aren’t is such a weird word… aren’t.) But I feel like there aren’t (there it is again!) enough stories about what husbands and fathers are doing right. I could never be the mother I am or even the woman I am without my husband. So I want to share all the “right” things that my husband does.

litebarI saw this photo and “quote” on Pinterest a while ago. I pinned it because it’s so true. I wish I did have a thousand words of love to say to Mike when he is doing everything right (which is most of the time) because he deserves to hear them.

But then I realized that there are a thousand words for love. Love means different things to different people. And I’m going to share all my love words for my husband with you.

Mike,

  • You listen when I need to talk
  • You laugh with me when I’m happy
  • You’re quiet when I need to cry
  • You hold me when I need it and you hold me when I don’t know I need to be held
  • You understand my sense of humor, my crazy emotions, my moods and thought process, my needs and wants – you understand everything that makes me me
  • You take the kids somewhere just so I can be alone in the quiet and think
  • You support me, provide for me and pay the bills so I won’t get stressed out about money
  • You like my cooking and praise me for it constantly
  • You thank me when I do something as mundane as the laundry, or running the dishwasher
  • You are always smiling and have a positive outlook about everything in your life and in our life together
  • You are courageous
  • You are strong in both body and mind
  • You work hard
  • You are trustworthy and trusting
  • You are my best friend, my lover, my confidant
  • You are respectful, thoughtful, considerate and kind
  • You are always there when I need you
  • You do the dishes because you know that I hate doing them
  • You treat me with respect – always
  • You have never, ever said something horrible to me when we argue or made me feel badly about myself when I’ve made a mistake
  • You admit when you’re wrong
  • You are passionate in all aspects of your life
  • You let me sleep in on the weekends
  • You never give up
  • You are decisive, successful and open-minded
  • You make me feel appreciated, heard, understood, cherished, beautiful, secure and honored
  • You encourage me to do the things I love and celebrate all my accomplishments with me
  • You steal my pillow because you like the way it smells
  • You are an amazing father
  • You have patience when I don’t
  • You are affectionate, caring and loving with me and our children
  • You watched our children being born without batting an eyelash
  • You are manly without being condescending or too macho
  • You never said so, but I could sense your discomfort as you watched me labor in pain during my births – I knew you would gladly have taken the pain on yourself
  • You are always gentle with our children
  • You always make time to pay complete attention to our children when they speak to you, even when they’re telling you something ridiculous
  • You never brush me off
  • You are a dreamer and share your dreams with me
  • When something random reminds me of a song and I just start singing it, you sing along with gusto
  • Your love of horror movies is both cute and (for me) horrifying
  • You have never judged me
  • You always make me feel special, important and intelligent
  • You never make a mess and leave it for me to clean up
  • You wrote me love letters when you were deployed in the Army
  • You’ve saved every letter I wrote to you when we were apart (and then hid them in your dresser drawer so I know they actually mean something to you)
  • You call me from work sometimes just to hear my voice and you freely admit that you miss me when we’ve only been apart for a few hours
  • You have made all of my memories of the last decade good ones
  • You call your mother every weekend
  • You are my hero, my rock, my protector
  • You let me switch sides of the bed when we moved so I didn’t have to sleep closest to the door
  • You always ask me if I need help with anything
  • You make me a better person
  • You ask my advice and actually listen
  • You talk to me about everything and I love feeling like I always know what’s going on in your head
  • You make me feel safe physically, emotionally and mentally
  • You are the best thing that has ever happened to me
  • You make everything better and brighter in my life
  • You still take my breath away
  • You are the best gift I have ever gotten
  • I can’t imagine my life without you in it
  • I wish that I could have more kids just to have more of you alive in this world
  • I will always feel so lucky that you’re mine
  • I will always forgive you when we argue
  • I am proud of you and proud to be with you
  • I admire your confidence
  • I respect your character and integrity
  • I feel like my life with you is a journey that keeps getting better and better the longer we walk side by side
  • I wish that I had met you sooner so that I could have loved you even longer
  • I will never stop looking for more words to tell you how wonderful you are
  • I will love you for the rest of my life
  • A thousand words of love will never be enough to describe all the things you do right and how much I feel for you