I’m just coasting along this week. The kids had their last day of camp yesterday and as I left I was confirming the date and time for my youngest’s “visit day” at his new nursery school. When I finished buckling him into his car seat, I got in the car and sat there for a moment thinking, My baby is starting nursery school. My oldest is starting Kindergarten. My babies aren’t really babies anymore. And it kind of makes me sad.
I like that they can use the bathroom by themselves, brush their own teeth (for the most part), put on their own clothes, feed themselves, even pick up after themselves when prompted. But there is just something so poignantly sweet in my memories of my children when they were babies. When there was no talking back and no arguments. When all they needed was me: my touch, my smile, my breastmilk, the sound of my voice. I have tried explaining my love of the baby stage to my husband who says that the older they get, the more he enjoys being a dad. But that is because he’s the fun one. I’m the one who’s doing the day-to-day nurturing. And babies are happy with the simple things. Mom can do no wrong. Nothing has ever made me feel as needed, as necessary, as the look on my babies’ faces as they smiled up at me while I held them. Those little wide-eyed nursing smiles. Oh how I wish I could have recorded them somehow. Nowadays, I don’t that look. I get whines and begging and outright defiance because they always seem to want more, more, more and nothing is ever enough. *Sigh* What I wouldn’t give to see that look of complete love and trust on my children’s faces again.
I know I’m not going to be having any more children. I’ve come to accept that fact. And I’ve been able to get my fill of baby smells and snuggles from my new nephew, who is the cutest thing you’ll ever see. Holding him here and there has appeased whatever crazy hormonal urges my uterus sends to my brain in the hopes of another baby. I’m just feeling… lost at the thought of how quickly my kids have grown. And the next step in my life as a mom will begin in only 3 more weeks when I’ll be sending them both off to school.