Well, the emotional purging of my mama drama really did help. I must admit that I felt strangely vulnerable yesterday once I clicked that “Publish” button and my last post was out there for all to see. I don’t think I could have felt more vulnerable if I had exposed my white underbelly (and it’s pretty white, people) to a large predator. Funny how I haven’t lived with my mom in 19 years and yet she still has the ability to get to me like no one else. And funny too that letting go of a secret that doesn’t really mean anything to anyone but me can be so terrifying.
I’m not usually so out of control with my emotions so my little freak out the last few days actually scared me. Yes, I’m a crier. Yes, I’m a drama queen. But I think I’ve got my emotions under a lot more control than people realize. And then this weekend my control cracked and I thought I was totally losing it. Cue the drama queen part of my personality. So, yeah, I figured out that I wasn’t really having a complete nervous breakdown. I was just dealing with 30 years worth of mama drama. That and feeling sorry for myself that I have to deal with this at all.
Women with crazy moms need a support group. Truly! In fact, I think mothers who have crazy mothers need it even more. My greatest fear was always that I was going to become my mom. This is not an uncommon fear for most women, but women who have mothers who suffer some form of mental illness? Oh yeah, I think that fear is warranted. And I’m not biased. I lived with it. And it scares the shit out of me. Now that I am a mother myself, my greatest fear is that I may somehow damage my children the way my mother has damaged me.
Parents have such a psychological hold on their children. We are literally shaping their little brains and emotional pathways and neurons and all that other scientific crap that I don’t understand. (But think about anyway until I can’t sleep some nights.) It is such a huge responsibility to be a parent. I am raising two human beings. I can only hope that, my own craziness aside, they will be good ones.