Some Body That I Used to Know

I’ve got this love-hate relationship with my body. I’ve been overweight since puberty –  that time when I was ashamed of my body for not being picture perfect. Now that I’m in my mid to late 30s, I’m no longer ashamed, but I do still hate to try on clothes, and sometimes find myself wishing that I had a little more willpower when it came to food! And I find that I don’t really care what other people think of my body (except maybe my husband) because I’m not on the prowl for a date, and I’m confident in my marriage and friendships. But in the last 2 months, I’ve felt a different kind of emotion about my body: hatred.

Being pregnant is the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life – especially for a control freak like myself. Because once you’ve conceived that baby, there is nothing else you can really do except eat well, get prenatal care, and trust your body to do its job. You can’t pick the baby’s gender. You can’t pick the baby’s birth date. You can’t reach in there during conception and do a chemistry jobbie with the available DNA to get the exact traits you’re hoping for. “Oh, let’s just get rid of that family history of mental illness gene over there… grab that athletic giftedness gene over here… blond hair, brown eyes, oh! Don’t forget the good singing voice and dancing with rhythm genes!” So really, what it comes down to is trust. Trust in your medical professionals and trust in your body.

I guess I don’t have to tell you that I don’t really trust my body so much anymore. In fact, after I had gone through some of those stages of grief and finally felt some acceptance, I started to feel betrayed. Betrayed by the one thing I trusted most – my body. My amazing body that had conceived, carried, birthed and breastfed 2 beautiful babies, the body I trusted completely, had betrayed me. The working theory behind my second trimester miscarriage is that my body wasn’t producing enough progesterone (the hormone that keeps your placenta strong) and my placenta weakened and separated from my uterus which kicked my body into survival mode and immediately put me into labor. So my body thought it was doing the right thing. And I know that if I had been much farther along, it would have worked out. But your body is just like a machine that has been programmed to do one job, it doesn’t think, and it doesn’t understand that, sometimes, timing is everything. And then, to rub my face in it even more, my body responded just like it did twice before when I had given birth. I healed quickly with almost no pain and my milk came in.

The new hatred for my body is because of this normal response. Stupid body, there is no baby here to feed, and you didn’t have a normal birth. I feel like my body should have suffered a little more for making me lose my baby. My body wasn’t working perfectly and Bing, Bang, Boom, it is all over and done with and my body is a-okay again like nothing ever happened. While my brain, and my heart and soul are still trying to cope. My body is pain free, but my heart is not. And so I am angry at my body, not myself, my body because it didn’t do its damn job. It let me down. And I wish there was some physical pain to deal with. Because that would be easier, I think.

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5 thoughts on “Some Body That I Used to Know

  1. Oh Tam…my heart breaks for you. It may or may not make sense but I know what u mean. If there was some pain it would be a physical indicator. I’m trying to figure out how to word what I’m trying to say…
    Its not ‘feeling bad’ for you. Thats not the right term. You know how I felt after the first miscarriage and especially after the second.
    I love finding ppl who are due around the same time as myself and was so excited we were a few wks apart.

    But u saw me after I found out when I was over. And that was not just preggo hormones. I feel like part of me was too gone with your baby because u didn’t deserve that…no one does.
    I honestly think of u every day. When I feel the kicks or am tired as I progress I feel bad…cuz u deserve everything I’m going thru too. I don’t mean that in a bad way obviously.
    I just wish there was a way I could help you with ur pain. I can’t imagine going thru what u have gone thru but you are a strong woman. Probably the strongest I know….doesn’t make things better or easier but I do hope that someway somehow you can find the closure you need. And if you want to chat about anything at all, regarding this or not, you know how to get ahold of me. Much love, Heather, Dellas, Cooper & Madilyn ❤

  2. Thank you, Heather. But I want to tell you to never feel bad about enjoying your pregnancy because of me! Enjoy every kick and wiggle. I am truly happy for you and excited for you. I am also feeling sorry for myself, and that is why I haven’t been coming around to our Mom’s group. I will probably continue to stay away for a while, but I know that you and my other ladies understand. ❤

  3. Oh, Tamara, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. So, so many times, those of us who are into natural birth tell mamas to trust their bodies. You had to have enormous trust in your body to birth Chase at home, and it sounds like it was an amazing experience. But now, after suffering this loss, to feel so betrayed by your body is completely understandable. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, as long as you are able to find a way to work through it. Keep writing about it, keep talking about it, keep being honest about your emotions. You are an amazing mama, and an amazing friend, and there are many of us out here who think of you daily and send love and light your way often.
    Although it’s a very different thing, I had a very serious car accident several years ago and was physically unhurt except for a head injury and the lingering emotional effects of having confronted my own death. I remember wishing that the physical injuries had been worse so that people would stop assuming I was a-okay. I remember feeling like some kind of outward scar would have made the whole situation easier to deal with. Sometimes when you have no outward scars or physical pain after a trauma, it starts to feel like you ‘should be over it’ or like you should move on, or all those other stupid things people say. But the reality is that you have had a trauma, and you are still healing, nevermind that your body is ahead of the curve. Take care of yourself, mama.
    If there’s anything at all I can do to help, let me know. I’ll give you a call; E and I may come visit sometime next week if you’re up for it. Until then, sending healing thoughts your way.

    • You know, I was just thinking today that I feel like I should be wearing a sign that says “I lost a baby and I’m not over it” so that people won’t forget. Because I can’t forget. And it seems like everyone else has, including my husband, who seems baffled whenever I get emotional. But even though I’m still moving through my life and time is passing, I can’t really think of anything else.
      Thank you. ❤

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